Letting Go

I went to court yesterday to finalize a restraining order against my ex. Due to his outright lies on the stand, it wasn’t ordered for as long as I wanted, but I got it. I’ll be scratching my head trying to figure out who the mysterious Derek Stuckey is and when we dated for the rest of my life (that’s another story). The judge only seemed to give a crap enough to give it to me for the length of time that he did because I had a recording of my ex trying to run me off the road the second time he did it. Yay, American legal system!

I’m not really surprised. Years ago I had to call the cops on another ex who shoved me from behind, face first into a brick wall. The cops arrested me for public intoxication. “Public” meant standing in the parking lot by my car waiting for them to get there and “intoxication” meant that I blew a .01 (Yes, .08 is the legal limit in case you’re scratching your head.). When in booking, the booking agent asked about the cuts and scrapes on the side of my face. The cop looked right at them and said, “I don’t see anything.”

So here I sit today, my anger over the court compounding my anger over the entire situation. I’ve been threatened by his brother, threatened with knives and firearms by my ex, nearly run off the road, threatened with death…and the judge gave me three months. By my account that’s just enough time to find a new place to live and effectively be run out of my home by these two assholes. None of that even encompasses him refusing to move out of my house or pay rent (he was claiming squatters’ rights), or just generally tormenting me on a daily basis with manipulation and constant verbal abuse. I actually feel worse for their dad than I do myself, since they now both live at home, don’t pay rent, and are well into their 30s.

Back to my unrelenting anger. I’m not an angry person. I’m actually a pretty forgiving, live and let live kind of person. That’s why it’s so uncomfortable to be me right now. I am a pent up ball of misdirected rage. I can’t let anything go.

I got into an argument with a friend about two weeks ago. It was something that I probably would have let go a few months ago, but in my current state, I literally can’t. All I can do is go back and forth between wanting to call them and talk to them about all of this crap and then reminding myself that I don’t ever want to speak to them again. And I know I want to talk to them again. Until I don’t. I don’t like it. It’s exhausting to hold on to this.

I can’t even explain the thoughts I have at work when guests get on my nerves. If my anger is misdirected towards friends and loved ones, it’s a nuclear explosion in my mind when it comes to strangers.

Next Thursday I go home for my brother’s wedding. My goal for the next week is just to meditate, yoga, write, sing, whatever it takes, and as often as I have to, but I want to be in a very different mindset when I get home. I want to be happy for, what I consider a miraculous occasion.

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