Episode IV

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

There was me.

There’s so much in the beginning and I have no idea what the future holds, so for now I’m just going to write from where I am. I don’t know what this is going to end up being, but for now it will serve as a repository for whatever I write, and in some cases, what I’ve already written, good, bad, fictional, or painfully honest. The honest is the hardest part for me, at least for the deep cuts. It’s always been easy for me to be superficially honest with people.

If you know me well enough, you know I’ve spent the last three and a half years in a toxic and at times abusive relationship. I came home from a trip this week to find him gone, having left a note. After knowing him for more than a decade, there is some sadness, but most of what I feel is actually a lack of feeling. It’s more like a 50lb weight has been lifted from my chest and I can breathe again. I can read, write, listen to music, and visit with people that inspire me. As I’m writing this, I realize that what I feel is hope. For the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful that things could turn out well for me.

The last year has been especially exhausting and isolating. To the few people who have been unlucky enough to be considered confidants by myself, I am sorry and thank you. You have let me ramble on your bar stools, over coffee, and in your homes, answered many a late night text message, given me safe harbor, and even holed up in a hotel with me for a week when I needed to hide from the world. Thank you for giving me an outlet to tell somebody the worst of what was going on, without passing judgment. Thank you for calling me on my bullshit excuses for not leaving, not writing, and wasting my time. Thank you for reminding me that I am just as deserving of the love that I try to give to the people around me. Julia, Jack, Dave, and Kathy, you all kept me sane and gave me hope when all I wanted to do was lay down and die. I will forever be indebted to you.

I know the next few weeks present an incredible opportunity for me to lay a great foundation for what I want to accomplish. It’s amazing how much motivation I have when my entire world doesn’t revolve around somebody who detests me and everything I am. Hopefully you’ll see me around here more frequently.

I heard this song the for the first time a few days ago and fell in love with it. It’s been in my head today.

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